"If it happens it happens..."
"Really?"
pause...
"Yeah, it's kinda now or never."
"Are we really going to do this?"
"Yeah, I think we are...."
"This is crazy or stupid or both right?"
"Yeah that's pretty much us though!"
If you'd told me a few years ago that we were going to have another baby I'd have straight up told you to f* off! I spent a few anxiety filled years very overwhelmed, angry, bitter, sad, and hopeless, after Autism entered our lives.
Anyone who in good nature even hinted at us having more children got their head bit off or were scoffed at. It wasn't because I didn't love my son, it was because I was exhausted and terrified. Correction... WE were exhausted just in our own ways. When you have to watch something horrible happening to your child and there's nothing you can do to stop it or fix it; My God, that is such an angst filled, guilt ridden, traumatizing experience. Believe me, it leaves a mark, a very dark and deep one if you aren't careful! To this day I still haven't fully processed what I saw happen to my son. I don't think I will ever fully open that Pandora's box.
Anyway fast forward a few years; Z was now 6 and after almost 5 years of complete hell and insanity I finally started to emerge from living in my self induced Autism bubble. All of the fear about Z's life and having a second child was still there but it's was starting to morph into a different set of fears. It was no longer just the somewhat selfish fear that another child would also get ripped away from us as dramatically as Z did and I didn't think I could go through that again; rather it was now becoming the fear about what happens to him if something happens to us!?!
Z was now 6 and we were pretty confident that he was not going to be part of that lucky 40% that goes on to be independent in life . I was starting to have panic attacks about the idea of him being all alone in life. I don't know why my brain and biological clocked kicked in at that precise moment but it did and somehow I think we were both hit with the understanding that Z deserves to have someone else on this planet who has his back and loves him and we owed it to him to at least try and make that happen regardless the risks and regardless the possible sacrifices it could mean for us in the future.
Having D was the best, worst, craziest, scariest, most fantastically awesome decision we've ever made. Z had been a surprise gift from the universe but this time it was a choice and intentional and it set the tone for a whole different pregnancy experience. I had morning sickness!!! I hadn't had much of that with Zander. My diet was healthier, our lifestyle was healthier. I embraced it as much as I was allowed to.
Little D was born in June 2014 and from day 1 has been a heart-breaker and a character. In the spirit of this Thanksgiving holiday I will say I'm beyond grateful for him. He is so dang happy I can't even stand it haha! I'm pretty sure he thinks we're total idiots because he just gets this goofy grin and little eyebrow raise when he looks at us. He has brought so much love and joy into our lives and yes a whole new added set of fears that we now have to wade through.
He is the total opposite of Z. Z basically hit a brick wall in his development and went spiraling backwards. So far D is consistently making progress but some of it is delayed for sure. For me he seems to operate and navigate his daily life mostly on his terms. Some of that is being a toddler and some of it isn't. Early on I had concerns because he was doing a sort of hand flicking self stimulatory behavior but he grew out of it after a few months. At this stage (17 months) he is not showing much for pretend play skills and has very few imitations, he has some sensory issues, is not following simple instructions and his language is delayed but he is blowing us away with so many other things!
He does things every day that Z either lost or never did at all. Little D makes great eye contact, and LOVES attention, seeking it out constantly and always trying to initiate with us. His motor skills are great, he helps get dressed, holds his own bottle, sleeps like a champ (THANK GOD!!!!) and he definitely understands the word NO! Much to our amusement and Z's horror D totally tries to assert himself as the alpha over his 8 year old brother and intentionally squawks at him to get his attention.
He's a ball of energy and personality.
So I know what you're wondering... is he going to end up on the spectrum like his brother?
Only time will tell.
As a mom my mom gut says yes...,
My guess is that he will be at the high functioning end of the spectrum BUT for the moment I'm also going to try TAKING A LEAP OF FAITH and pray that his current assessment of "Communication Delay" is all it's going to be. It was pretty surreal to be back in that situation where we were having people evaluate our child over an hour of play and conversation. Deja vu doesn't quite describe it. It wasn't as terrifying as when we took Z and I can't speak for dad but I know I was having some flashbacks here and there throughout the assessment. Over all though it was a good experience I think, and he hammed it up for them which was cute to see and wouldn't you know the little stinker responded to his name for everyone which hopefully means he just has Mom's number haha! We will have a few more assessments coming up over the next few months which will be good to help measure his progress.
This time we are ready to jump in and get to work. THERE'S NO TIME for "deer in headlights" here, not this time!!! A lot can happen between now and 2 years of age so one week at a time and as his journey continues I will share it with you! Love and hugs to y'all; wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving!
