9/14/15

Hear no, See no, Speak no whatever!

It's hard to know how to act when you are around people that have a child on the Autism Spectrum.  Here's a few tips:

Don't act, just be you!

Try not to offer advice! (Unless you have something evidence based that's concrete that you know will help from experience)... because Autism parents spend countless hours on the internet, in book stores, talking to other parents, joining support groups, talking to therapists, doctors, teachers.... If it was that simple they'd already have done whatever you're most likely suggesting.

Try not to judge!  Remember before you had kids or before you got married how your friends with kids or friends that were married would say things like, "You just don't understand you can't until you get married or have kids of your own etc."?  and then you got married or had a kid and realized they were right ... you can't understand unless you've been through it yourself?... Same goes here.  You may not get why someone does or doesn't do something with their Autistic Child, you may not agree with how they choose to parent their A-typical child.  You don't have to and they don't expect you to.  You can't use typical logic with an A-typical person no matter how much you try.  Autism parents especially parents of children that are severely impacted learn that the hard way really fast.  They are forced to adapt and think outside the box and most of them are honestly doing the best they can. 

Don't say, "He doesn't look Autistic, you'd never know there's anything wrong with him."
It's actually not helpful or supportive; it's patronizing, negative, hurtful.
Instead try, "He's so cute, what a character, I love his smile"  something positive

Try not to snap, "Can't you make him be quiet?" or "Control your child geez!"
Take a second to think... do you think the parent is enjoying the scene that their child is causing? Do you think they aren't embarrassed and that their anxiety levels aren't already through the roof?!  Do you really think they wouldn't make him be quiet and calm if they could?  Typical kids make noise and run around like monkeys in public all the time, the only difference is that your brain understands what they're saying and can filter it out... with some kids their sounds don't make sense, can be startling so you can't tune them out.. 

Instead try, "Looks like you got your hands full, anything I can do?"
Even Better ASK, "So what's he doing? or why does he do that I don't quite understand what's happening?" or best of all... Keep your mouth shut and try offering a smile.  An understanding smile goes a long way and can instantly add relief to an already stressful situation.

Don't shake your head or roll your eyes, we do see you you know? haha  When you have a child that doesn't make conversation you become adept at reading body language pretty f'ing quick!  In the grand scheme of things is a few moments with a noisy kid really going to ruin your entire day?  That's pretty sad if it does.

Try to remember he didn't ask to be born.  His parents didn't ask to have a child with challenges but he's here and he deserves love and compassion and deserves to smile and laugh and experience life as best he can and the parents still deserve to live and laugh too.

Please don't pull away!  Please don't disappear!  Parents of children with Neurological Deficits and behavioral challenges can feel overwhelmed on a good day, maybe they don't contact you anymore because they are tired of not having anything new to say to you, time tends to slow way down for some of us.  Milestones can sometimes be few and far between. A lot of Autism parents develop social anxiety disorders. Being a Autism parent can be extremely isolating.  Some of it is self induced and some of it is literally people shutting them out because they are uncomfortable.

If you don't understand something just ask!  Most Autism parents are more than happy to explain their child's behaviors and tell you their story. You can never raise too much awareness!  Hugs and love to ya'll!

Next blog will introduce you to our newest family member D and we will compare these first 15 months of his to Z's and talk about our concerns and what's coming up next for him. 


9/11/15

STOP!

Autism parents need to STOP!
Stop tearing each other down!
Stop judging each other!
Stop undermining each other!
Stop the petty division!

Autistic vs. "Having a diagnosis of Autism"
Autism vs. Asperger's
To Medicate or not Medicate
Floor Time vs. ABA
Mainstream vs. Strategies
Strategies vs. Regular Special Ed
Something wrong vs. perfect in God's eyes
high functioning vs. mid or low functioning

Seriously!!!!  What's hard for you is hard for you; what's hard for me is hard for me and just because those challenges or ideals or feelings with regards to our children may be different does not make them wrong or any harder or easier than the person you're having a conversation with.

I don't give a rat's ass what other people do with their child or how they think their child should be defined, it's none of my business and it certainly doesn't effect how I view my child or the decisions that we make as far as taking care of him.

I wouldn't do half the things that other parents do with their children on the spectrum, that doesn't mean they're wrong, it just means our children need different things as each one of these amazing beings are completely unique to this world.  I would never fault another parent for doing what they hope is the best thing for their child so please don't fault us for doing what we hope is best for ours!